Strange word to describe turning 40, huh?
The dictionary describes the word “aware” as “knowledgable; having knowledge of something from having observed it or been told about it; well-informed about what is going on in the world or about the latest developments in a sphere of activity.”
Here's how I came to this solemn realization: as the days got closer to my actual birthday, I began thinking about my previous year, my 39th year. I realized, I have learned a lot.
1. I am aware that my body has paid the price and reaped the rewards for the benefit of others just as much as for myself. It has changed in ways I never would have thought possible. After having 3 children, 3 c-sections, gaining weight, losing weight and taking up running, I have seen what I have put myself through for others and what I am willing to put myself though, for myself. I was everyone else's cheerleader until I finally became my own. It reflects the stretch marks and scars but it also reflects new muscles, and strength… and although it is worn, and sometimes tired, achy and sore, it continues to change and grow with me. I am aware that I am not 22 anymore. Nor will I ever look it again. But, I am also aware that after all of these years and changes, my body is tougher and stronger than I give it credit for.
2. I am aware that I am not indestructible or immortal. When we are young, unless personally touched by tragedy, death is an abstract concept. When you are 40, you see your friends begin to suffer heart attacks, strokes, and perhaps even death from illness. It is an eye-opening experience when someone you socialize with – who is your own age – suddenly passes away, leaving children behind to mourn. You become more in tune with who you are, how you want to live your life and who you want to spend it with.
3. I am aware of my faults. I am also aware that I am not a patient person. It is a weakness and makes me suffer more than I should. I sometimes let it control me, and that is never a good thing. To let something like impatience dictate how you feel is a miserable way to go through your day. I am aware that I need to get better at this…that I need to relax and become more patient, so that I can stay more balanced.
4. I am aware that life doesn’t always go the way you planned it. There have been a lot of ups and downs. I am also aware that sometimes, when you least expect it, something wonderful can happen. It’s important to pay attention...even to the smallest things.
5. I am aware that life is too short to live with regrets. I don’t want to live that way any more and I will not live that way anymore. Everything I say or do or write is done with a purpose. I will not go to bed wondering, “What if.” If it is in my power to say something, change something, or do something, I will do it. I am aware that finding courage to continue on or make a difficult choice can sometimes be scary… but the reward at the end of the day (or week, or month) is always worth facing the fear.
6. I am aware that I will not let myself be bullied. I will not kowtow to someone else’s desires or plans if they do not mesh with my own. There is a difference between compromise, and cowering. I will not cower in someone else’s shadow for fear of what they may say, do, think, or feel about me. They will not dictate what my life should be or how I will live it.
7. I am aware that magic exists. It is all around us. It is within us. And we can create it and make our lives better. We may struggle, fight, cry, and hurt… but if we make the right choices, we will move forward to find our happiness.
8. I am aware that I have more love to give. And I hope that in my next 40 years, it is multiplied ten-fold.
To sum up, here's my 39th year in 65 words:
Published two novels. Ran a half-marathon. Had more fun than I thought possible. Gave motivational speeches. Wrote. Made new friends and met amazing people. Painted. Traveled. Danced. Sang. Drank. Ran. Ate. And then ran some more. Cried. Hurt. Cried some more. Was inspired. Felt loved. Was flattered, honored and humbled. Triumphed. Said what I felt. Lived a year with no regrets. Always finished strong.
Here’s to making my 40th year the best one yet.