Nobody wants to do that. It’s hard. It shouldn’t be. Yet, it is.
When we're young, we are taught (often forced), to say “sorry” when we screw up. We say it, there may be tears, and then we’re off to play in the sandbox or with our matchbox cars, and everything is right in the world again.
As we move into the teen years, it becomes horrifying to say those words out loud, because to say them would admit a “less-than” appearance. MY GOD. WE HAVE PEERS! WE CANNOT BE SEEN AS WEAK! Saying sorry might mean we are. Weak = Less than. HELL NO. I’m not doing that. Also? It’s a pretty damn uncomfortable feeling. Raging hormones don’t help either.
Then, as we mature into adults, it becomes even harder because not only is it uncomfortable, but we must admit a failure; a wrong doing. What? I can’t be wrong. NOOOO. Not me. I … I… I had every right! I was mad! I was tired! I was sick! I was just joking! Why is the person taking it wrong? I was kidding! I was dealing with stress! I was provoked! It wasn’t my fault! I’m not responsible for the words that come out of my mouth or my actions! I had no choice. I HAD to do react that way.
Hmmm. Maybe. Perhaps you really had no other choice but to react in the way that you did, or say what you said. Maybe you were kidding.We’ve all been there. Let’s face it: we’re only human. But… here’s a simple question: did you hurt someone else in the process? In any way? In even the smallest measure?
If the answer is yes, then you owe them an apology.
You don’t have a right to hurt someone else because you’re hurting. Or mad.Sometimes we hurt people unintentionally. It’s in our nature. Survival of the fittest. Fight or Flight. However, it’s never too late to realize that what we’ve done or said may have been hurtful to someone , or wrong in some way. It’s never too late to take some of the responsibility.
It can be an uneasy feeling. To say sorry means we MAY be saying we were wrong. (We aren’t, of course. How could our reasons, opinions, thoughts, jokes, etc…be wrong?!?! No. Way.) (Gulp.)
But, it isn’t necessarily that at all.
Being sorry is feeling or expressing regret, sympathy or empathy for someone else over an action or event causing unintended pain. That’s it. But, that’s where the rub is. Saying sorry often means admitting that we actually hurt someone else. And hurting someone else is an uncomfortable, scratchy, prickly thing to feel. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about the kind of sorry you say to someone at a funeral, or after a tragedy that you had nothing to do with. That’s a different kind of sorry.)
Here’s something I’ve seen time and time again: sometimes, people try to apologize, but in doing so, they speak of their uncomfortableness. They give reasons why they did what they did. But those reasons don't really hold value to the actual apology. They say, “I’m sorry, but...”
My 13-year-old son gives the best apologies. When he knows I’m upset or hurt over something he’s done (or said), his entire demeanor changes; there is literally a physical shift in his presence. And then, he looks me in eyes, unwaveringly, and says, “I’m sorry, Mama.” That’s it. Based on my reaction, he might reach out for my hand or walk over to me and give me a hug. Other times, he stands still (at a safe distance haha). But he never ever adds anything more to his apology. It’s always a heartfelt, “I’m sorry, Mama.” He knows that I know exactly what he’s saying sorry for. How he learned this skill so young, I have no idea.
If you want to apologize to someone, say it simply. You don’t need to flower it with the “why.” Just say you’re sorry and mean it. It will mean so much more to the person you’re apologizing to. Because all that person wants to hear is that you feel bad for hurting them. Perhaps, think about what you’d want to hear if the situation was reversed.
You probably want to hear, “I’m sorry. I did/said something that was unkind and I know it hurt you.”
The person you’re apologizing to doesn’t want the why, the how, or the because.
All they really need to hear is: I’m sorry for… (insert here), and stop. That’s it. Saying anything more might cheapen the gesture and turn it into blame and unacceptance for what you’ve done. Whatever the case, if you regret it or feel bad for saying it, or if you know someone is hurting because of your actions, you owe them an apology.
Say Sorry. Mean it.
Stop talking.
The End.