Are you ready to hear this whimsical fairy tale? (Or, perhaps it’s something more like a slasher horror film, leaving no survivors in its wake.) Let’s face it, I know very well it can be a meat market out there, so I may as well take a walk to the butcher shop and see what kind of recipe I could find to make it less “market” and more “gourmet.” I really want to have the fairy tale, and not the horror story. I have to admit, it’s been a bit of both. Take my hand as we stroll down Dating Lane and head to Inspiration Point. (If you ever watched “Happy Days,” you’ll get that reference… if you’re too young, well, I’ve just realllllly aged myself.) Sigh.
Dating experience number 1. A dear friend wanted me to meet a recently divorced “eligible bachelor” friend of hers. To make it low-key, she arranged to have him meet a group of us at the local bar. Fast forward to a very sober, very nervous Julie, sitting on a bar stool, (I NEVER sit on the bar stools) and animatedly talking to new guy. Within five minutes, I fall FACE FIRST, down on to the floor. I literally landed on my hands on knees in front of him. I was MORTIFIED! I jumped up like I was on fire (and I’m sure I was seven shades of red, to match the seventh circle of hell that I had just fallen into) and tried to talk my way out of that embarrassing turn of events. Needless to say, I never saw or spoke to him again. DATING TIP #1: Never sit on a bar stool and talk with your hands.
Dating experience number 2. Let’s crack open the cook book and try a new recipe. Hmmm… be bold! Go up to someone and see where it goes. Sooo… I met a guy at the bar with whom I had mutual friends in common. We began texting and chatting. Texting led to phone calls. Phone calls, I thought, would lead to an actual date. Ummm…notsomuch. At one point, he met up with me and kissing occurred. More texting. More phone calls. And then… it fizzled into nothing. Ahhh well. Obviously we didn’t have the right ingredients.
Dating experience number 3. At first, this one had all the ingredients of a fun dessert! Worldly, knew how to carry on a conversation, sexy, a gentleman and seemed to dig me. The physical chemistry was fantastic, but, within 24 hours, I saw that said gentleman was (1) a player; (2) one of the most arrogant people I’d ever met; and (3) really not interested in “dating” or any kind of actual grown-up relationship. That being said… such Gentleman/Scoundrel was actually a decent guy, especially knowing that that’s all it was ever going to be with him. We had some fun. (I made out in a car for the first time since I was a teenager! Eee gads!) But, after a few months of bit more fun, that was that. I suppose it was like Chinese food… we both got tired of the same old take-out and we were always left hungry for something more. I began to wonder, does anyone really go out on actual dates anymore? Like, meet-for-coffee, or lunch, or, heaven-forbid – dinner?!? Gasp. I was beginning to feel like a relic in this texting, virtual world in which we now live.
Dating experience number 4. The Knight in Shining Armor arrived to strike down any notion that I may have actually been dating before. Mix together an instant physical attraction, toss in some witty conversation, and then gently stir in similar life experiences, along with a dash of courtesy, and a sprinkle of lust, and you have the makings for a four course meal of deliciousness! Sadly, it wasn’t to be. (Insert tears, extra antacid, and a dose of “woe is me…”) This Knight had his eyes set on someone else right after we shared a dance at the ball, and the clock struck midnight on this relationship all too soon.
Dating experience(s) number 5-14. After healing from the heartburn and my carriage turning into a pumpkin at midnight, it was time to get serious! Embrace the texting virtual world we live in! Go join one of those online dating sites! (Errrr… ummm… okay? Do you sense my apprehension?) Now, among the guys who I had absolutely no interest in, along with the rapscallions and scoundrels who were merely on the site for a quick hook up, there were also a few hidden morsels of goodness. This little recipe for fun culminated in the following way:
Numbers 5 and 6: Two friendships with men whom I’ve never met, but have had some wonderful conversations with, and who I believe are truly good people. We still talk to this day.
Nowhere Numbers 7 and 8: Some texts, dates arranged and two cancelled dates that led nowhere.
Number 9: Met for drinks. He showed up wearing a backwards baseball hat, baggy jeans and a sweatshirt. Silly me! Here I went and took some effort to make myself look nice for the evening…(rolls eyes). I guess I’m old fashioned, but we had a rule in our house growing up: No hats at the dinner table. I could just see my grandfather rolling over in his grave as this "yahoo" (that’s what he would call flaky men) sat down at the table. After painfully pulling conversation out of him for a very long 120 minutes, he revealed to me that he actually lived five hours away… in another state! (WTH? Hellava long drive for drinks, fella!) DATING TIP #2: Not the best way to start out a relationship - Lying on the first date. Needless to say, there was no second date.
Guy #10: A cutie-pie who was much, much too young for me, but adorably sweet, very flattering, had great dating advice, and whom I’ll most likely remain friends with.
Bachelor Number 11: The upfront, genuine guy with a great sense of humor, who was probably THE best kisser in the entire world, but lived too far away, and, when all was said and done was merely interested in a friends-with-benefits arrangement.
Not Gay Number 12: The guy who, after several nights of 3-hour phone conversations, laughter, and disclosing the fact (multiple times) that most people who met him assumed he was gay, but he really wasn’t… meets up with me and then I discover that he was in an “open” relationship but would also most likely not be able to see me after that night. (Insert me scratching my head.) Ummm … what now? So … not really an "open relationship," but more like an “I’m about to cheat on my girlfriend who’s out of town,” kind of relationship. No Thank you! Buh-bye, Not Gay Number 12.
Dates 13 and 14: Finally, I went out with two good men with whom I had several nice dates with, (more than three, even!) But, neither culminated in any kind of “love connection.” (Sorry, Chuck Woolery, but I’ll be back in 2 and 2). Again, I’m dating myself. Google it if you have no idea what I’m talking about.
Cue bachelor number 15: WINNER, WINNER CHICKEN DINNER! Could this next bachelor be that certain someone I’d been looking for? The magic recipe that would make my heart melt and my mouth water? Great conversation, giggles a-plenty, lots in common, and did I mention how handsomely sexy he was? In my opinion, he was smokin’ hot. I had to use oven mitts to handle the heat coming off of this kind sir. After a week of texting and chatting on the phone, we had arranged to meet.
After over five hours of fascinating conversation, flirting, and, quite frankly, being with the sexiest man I’d ever been with, I’d say it was the best first date, EVER. In all of history, this was it. There was no bouquet of roses, no carriage ride through the park and no gestures of grandeur. Shoot, we didn’t even eat a meal together! (Although, there were some extremely memorable moments in a deserted train yard, reminiscent of a scene out of Divergent...but I digress…) Whatever it was we had experienced that night should be bottled up and sold, because that date contained the magical ingredient… that special “spark” that we all long to experience with someone special.
He’s that guy who gave you butterflies when you saw him in the halls at school; The guy who made your palms sweaty and your brain turn to mush just as you were about to deliver a super witty line at the lunch table; The guy who sweeps you off your feet and takes your breath away.
Was he perfect? Absolutely not. I’m 42 years old and I’m nowhere near perfect. Nobody is. But our flaws and our broken pieces add to our entire character. They create who we are and who we may become. I’ve been through a lot of life experiences and I have a pretty good idea of the kinds of people I want to keep in my life. I saw him for who he was, and it was more exciting because I liked him in spite of anything that he, or anyone else, may have seen as a fault. He had those special ingredients that had me hooked like tasting a perfectly, warm, delicious chocolate chip cookie right out of the oven. Had I found my Prince Charming befitting a fairy tale?
I floated through weeks of bliss, excited and happy to talk to him, and thinking this could very well be the man that would forever end my dating woes. I looked forward to getting to know him better and spending time more time with him.
Alas, as with every good fairy tale, there has to be a tragedy. Some moment in time where the evil sorceress casts a spell, or the mighty King exiles our hero into the netherworld, undoing all of the magical happiness that was underway. Due to circumstances beyond control, sadly, our dating journey came to an abrupt halt leaving me heartbroken, as if holding a scalding hot pan in my bare hands, with tears running down my cheeks as the smell of burnt cookies filled my nose, and blisters on my soul seeped like only a truly broken heart could.
Weeks rolled on, and I found myself wondering what had happened, and if things would ever work out or change. I wondered about a lot of things as I waded through sadness. I felt I had somehow jinxed myself. I shouldn’t have allowed myself to believe I found happiness. I couldn’t bring myself to date again, because it’s hard to give your heart to someone when it already belongs to somebody else. I locked myself in the tower and threw myself into my writing, pouring all of my emotions and feelings from my experiences with this man into my latest novel. Although I was hurting and sad, I must say, I wrote probably some of the best stuff I’ve ever written, and I’m excited to see what my readers will think of the new characters and story that have been born from this experience. Stephen King once said that, “Fiction is a lie and good fiction is the truth behind the lie.” I can tell you from experience that this statement definitely rings true for me.
Finally, on a whim, I decided to sign up for yet another online dating site. (Barf.) But, I must say this: my heart really wasn’t in it. I merely signed up for a distraction. Instead of being focused on finding the fairytale or creating that perfect dish, I was merely perusing the fast food and not impressed with much on the menu.
Dating experience 16 (through…let’s just say 36… but these don’t really count, and I’ll tell you why): Within twelve hours of creating my profile on the site, I was emailed by at least 20 men, all of whom I wouldn’t even consider dating. They were nowhere near my profile preferences, and quite frankly, I was disheartened. I also quickly realized that most men were in no hurry to reply to an email. Isn’t that what this site is all about – trying to get to know and meet people? Apparently not … it’s more like peruse a bunch of pictures, send messages into cyberspace and twiddle your thumbs waiting for a reply that will most likely never come. DATING TIP #3: Just be brave and go for it. Send/reply to that email.
The Real Sweet 16: We chatted, and although I wasn’t ready to really get back out there, he asked to meet for lunch and I agreed. After texting that morning, with a promise that he’d be there and was excited to meet me, I mustered up some energy and drove to the restaurant.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
I had come to the realization that I got stood up. I didn’t even get an apology text. I was infuriated! I may not have been gaga over this man, but I would certainly never intentionally stand someone up, especially without a quick apology, or explanation. That’s just mean and rude. And, bad manners. I never heard from him again, and frankly, I never want to. Sweet sixteen? More like Sour Sixteen.
#17: Interesting fellow, good conversationalist. Handsome. We arrange to meet for drinks. While I’m on the way, he calls to tell me he’s running late. Uh-oh. I suddenly get the strange feeling of Déjà vu. Is this going to be a repeat of my last no-show? I sat in the bar with a glass of wine and played on my cell phone. Thank God for smart phones to make us look like we’re busy, when actually, we’re just bored out of our minds. Thirty minutes later, in strolls Mr. 17. I recognize him right away, and then realize his profile pics are probably at least five years old. Ugh. (DATING TIP #4: Many people lie about their age and often post outdated pics. POST CURRENT PICS, otherwise it's like false advertising.) Still, I put on a happy face and try to make the best of the evening. He talks…a lot. And talks. And talks. And talks. I realize, at the end of the 3 hours, he’s asked me exactly one question.
One.
Although a gentleman, there was obviously zero chemistry between us, and, after he paid the bill, (Thank you, #17, I was beginning lose faith in chivalry), we politely parted ways with a peck on the cheek and a hug. We haven’t spoken since.
As I drove home from that date, I felt myself longing for 15 … and the reason being was this: the date that I had just experienced was the complete opposite of everything that my time with My Almost Prince Charming was. Almost Prince Charming asked me questions all of the time. He actually said, “I want to know your answers, but sometimes what you don’t say tells me more about who you are.” Smart guy … listen to what’s not being said. In addition to that, there was this indescribable physical connection … a "click" if you will … that I hadn’t really ever experienced except for one other time in my life. I remember I held his hand everywhere we went, all the time … as if I needed to be in contact with him in some way when we were together. When you have that experience, you long to feel it again, and my few hours with #17 was more like a business meeting than a date. It made me long for more … it made me miss him, my fantastic 15.
Bachelor Number 18: This one wasn’t exactly my “type,” But he was enthusiastic and seemed very, very verrrry into me. He asked me out right away and we made plans to meet for drinks the following weekend. During the course of the week he texted daily. Although nice, he was revealing himself to be a bit clingy. He started asking me if I had lost interest because I hadn’t texted “goodnight,” or “good morning”… he asked if I met someone else...etc., etc. He asked me every day if I was excited to meet him… DUDE. OKAY. ENOUGH. I haven’t even met you yet and I barely know you! Dial it down a little, 18. I almost cancelled, because I had a bad feeling about where this was headed, but being the nice person I am, I couldn’t do it and decided to give him the benefit of doubt. So, I gussied up myself and met him at the designated restaurant. Then, on the way, I got a phone call…he’s going to be late. Big. Freaking. Surprise. Is EVERYONE late these days? I must be cursed or something… (DATING TIP #5: Do try to be punctual. It's just good manners and shows that you value the other person's time.)
Again, I ordered a drink and pulled out my smart phone to look like I was busy with something. This 3-hour date went exactly as I had expected. We were culturally, socially, and in all other manners completely INCOMPATIBLE. Complimenting his 2-karat fake diamond earrings, he wore a baseball hat backwards, dropped the F-bomb at least 40 times, (it had to be every fifth or sixth word he uttered) and the most popular phrase out of his mouth was, “I’m not trying to sound cocky, but…” (DATING TIP #6: Hey, If you’re saying that you’re “not trying to sound cocky,” you definitely sound it, and you probably ARE.) All I could think was, “My brothers would skewer you.” I didn’t know how to gracefully end the evening quick enough. Finally, we parted ways and I escaped into my car feeling once again disheartened.
During this process of “dating,” I found I’m sometimes left with an awful taste in my mouth and heartburn…and other times have left me craving for more. In all of my experiences, I was lucky enough to find one special person who I thought would stick around for a while. It hasn’t worked out how I wanted, but he did inspire me in ways I never thought possible, and I feel I’ve written some of my best work to date. Will said Almost Prince Charming Fifteen ever return? At one time, he kiddingly said that he was “under my spell.” Will my magic ever return to him? Or has he forever banished himself to the netherworld? Is the person I’m looking for still out there? I have no idea.
Finding that someone special – or Love – isn’t as easy as driving through the fast food drive thru and ordering up something on the menu. It’s not a fairy tale where one jumps to the happily ever after. Like a soufflé, it can’t be rushed. For now, I have no other choice to take it one course at a time … and I may have to suffer through some evil curses, or banishments before my happily ever after can be found. But, I’m hopeful that it’s out there somewhere … for all of us.
We only have to be brave enough to go for it and know that we deserve it.
*** Even though he will most likely never read this, I dedicate this blog to Fifteen. Maybe my spell can work a little more magic…
Or… maybe not.
Dating at age 42 after a 20 year relationship…Wow, it really kind of sucks. Then again, maybe it doesn’t. Since my divorce, I’ve been through the gamut of emotions, and dating has certainly added an interesting ingredient to the mix. It’s both a dreamy dessert-like wonderful experience, and it’s also a horrible, terrifying disgusting piece of raw meat, bound to give you food poisoning.