I went back and read the blog and found that some of these statements are still true. Others, notsomuch. I’ve had a bit of a paradigm shift. Recently, a good friend of mine shared the 2005 commencement speech that Steve Jobs gave at Stanford University. I was struck by something interesting. He said, “Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backward 10 years later. Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backward. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever.”
Looking back at this blog, I can connect some of these dots now. I went through a lot of major life changes since then. Here are the points (paraphrased) I made five years ago, and me connecting the dots now (in bold). I realize now that I wrote it then so that I could see that my growth. It is measurable.
Number 1. (I like to write out the word "number," so that when you read this, you have to say, “number one” in your head. A throw-back homage to the T.V. show, Star Trek Generations...“Make it so, Number One!” …and this leads me to my first point.) I talk too much. And sometimes, too loud. I have been shushed in restaurants and public places by friends or family for carrying on a bit too loudly…I will talk. A lot.
This hasn’t changed, but, in some regard the context of my chatter has. I have learned to shut my mouth when I make my point. I have also learned to think long and hard before venting my frustrations to someone about something that is stressing me out. I get inside my head a lot. I try to mull it over before I bring up whatever may be upsetting me, instead of impulsively reacting, or making a mountain out of what is actually a molehill.
Give it time to simmer. If it’s still bugging you after a few days, speak up. If not, let it go.
Make your point, then stop talking and LISTEN.
Number 2. I am a bit of a dork. (See Star Trek Generations reference in number one above.) Enough said. Yeah, still true. I’m a geek to the core and probably always will be.
Word. Dorks Unite!
Number 3. I'm too optimistic. It’s a gift and a curse. It sometimes bites me in the arse when I’m looking for the rainbows and unicorns but instead, find myself facing a crapstorm. I’m altering this. I AM OPTIMISTIC. This is NOT a bad thing, nor should it ever be perceived as such. It is a gift and a state of mind. This number can be scratched.
Think positive and positive will happen.
Number 4. Media makes me cry. I cry at sappy movies, scary movies, sentimental movies. I cry when I read books. I cry listening to music. I even cried during Stephen King's “Misery” because the Sheriff got killed! I get sucked into these stories and words and am transported to another world where these characters are real. This can often lead to a poptarts-for-dinner evening because I’m too sucked into whatever book or movie I’m engaged in. Again, this gets scrubbed from the list. Five years ago, I saw this as a potential character flaw -- something to make fun of. It’s not. It represents empathy and an in-depth understanding of someone else’s thoughts, feelings and words.
Everyone should strive to be more empathetic. It’s what our world needs.
Number 5 (is alive!) And if you get that movie reference, you are a rock star. I know a lot of random, useless movie and music trivia that will serve no purpose to me or anyone else unless I am their phone-a-friend on How to Be a Millionaire or Cash Cab. Please, Call Me, Maybe. Ha! I just threw in another one. Again, scrubbing from the list. It’s a quirk that I have. I’m proud I can impress or amuse people with witty comebacks or surprising useless quotes.
Be proud of your uniqueness. Sometimes this random stuff comes into play later in life and you realize it’s what set you apart or gave you the next big idea.
Number 6. I have no patience. I get frustrated easily and it’s something I continue to work on. My brain thinks fast and about a lot of things...seemingly all at once. I talk fast. I write fast. I walk fast. I draw fast. This one gets scratched off, too. UPDATE: I have almost mastered this. It took five years, a lot of personal battles, and I still struggle with it sometimes, but I have come to a new place of “waiting.” I’m still fast at things, but my level of patience has grown exponentially. When I get inside my head, I go through a process of calming down and letting go.
You can’t rush things or people. They happen when they happen.
Number 7. I have become intolerant of stupidity and I have no time for people who are self-serving, self-absorbed asshats. Please excuse the language, but really…there is no better word for them, is there? Yeah. This is still true.
Don’t give these arrogant knuckleheads the time of day. It’s a waste of energy and precious moments of your life.
Number 8. Although this might sound contradictory to number 7, I am sometimes too kind to people and often keep my mouth shut if I have nothing nice to say. Here’s the rub: sometimes, that comes off as being weak. It's not. I just want to avoid the conflict that might arise with the crazy person I'm dealing with. Also, I don’t see the point in hurting someone’s feelings intentionally, especially when their actions or opinions will not be changed or affected in a positive way by me speaking negative words. NOT A FLAW. THIS HAS BECOME ONE OF MY BIGGEST ASSETS. I’m just a stronger person now and can see it for the positive thing it is, and I don’t worry that others may see it as weak. Let them see it as they want.
Be Kind. Even when it’s hard.
Number 9. I probably drink too much coffee. And too much wine. And I definitely love chocolate way more than I should. Yep. Still do. I should probably keep this in check more so I can spend less time at the gym.
Most things are fantastically wonderful in moderation.
Number 10. I have to run. Three times a week. And, I know I will never be great at the sport. I will never be fast. I will never win races. And, even though my brain knows this, and my body will constantly fight against me, I will keep trying. Why? Because I am competitive. I will always strive to do better. This one, sadly, has changed. I no longer run three times a week. After injury, surgery, a six-month bout with plantar fasciitis and then a knee injury, I had to switch to more gym time. I still run one day a week and I’d like to get that to two. But times change.
You’ve got to go with the flow and don’t give up.
Number 11. I'm way too hard on myself. I am my own worst enemy and most critical judge of my work, my performances, and my appearance. This has served me well in some cases because I think it’s pushed me farther than I thought I could go. But it can cause you to doubt yourself, your skills and your talent. I STILL AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY. It really irks me and throws off my groove when I’m too critical of myself.
Confidence is much more attractive than insecurities, self-doubt, and loathing… to EVERYONE. Fake it ‘til you make it.
Number 12. Sometimes I'm sloppy. I like a clean house, but when I work, or cook, or paint, I am a mess. I'm often covered in ink, flour, marinara sauce or paint. Sometimes it gets on the ceiling. Or the furniture. If any of you have been in a kitchen with me, or have seen me after I work on a painting, you know this is true. Eh. What fun is life without getting a little messy, right? I clean up afterward...quickly. Yeah, I’m still sometimes messy.
Take care of your messes.
Number 13. I tend to destroy anything technologically more advanced than me... which pretty much means I will break, ruin, tangle or somehow kill any smartphone, iPod, laptop, or another digital device (especially one with a cord) that I touch. (Although, not on purpose! I promise!) If those aliens from Steven Spielberg's “Falling Skies” really do come and attack our planet, just send me to their Mother ship. I’ll take ‘em down and have them running to their home planet for rebooting in no time. STILL TRUE, and sadly, will probably always be a fault of mine. I can’t explain it. It’s like the Bermuda triangle, a mystery with unexplained events.
Get adult supervision if you need help with something more technically advanced than you. (Unless you’re fighting an alien race...in that case, do whatever the F*ck you can.)
Number 14.
I scrubbed number 14. What was I thinking?
As I said before, embrace your faults. Improve them, learn from them or accept them. And then, live the best life you can. Looking back, I can see how much myself, my perceptions and my thinking have changed. Sometimes, we can’t see the forest through the trees. That is, we are put into or presented with a terrible situation or tough choice, and we think we’ll never rise above the difficulty. But we can. And we do. I’ve made so many decisions and gone through many life altering events in the last five years, that I can’t believe I am where I am today. I’m excited to see what and who the next five years will bring.
“Your story may not have a happy beginning,
but that doesn't make you who you are.
It is the rest of your story, who you choose to be.”
- Kung Fu Panda
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