It sounds like it could be a compelling intro into a new book, eh? Sadly, it’s not. They are my own words, which I literally muttered to myself, at 2:19 in the morning. You see, even us extrovert, creative-type, optimists have moments (weeks, or even months) of weakness … where we feel sorry for ourselves, or miserable about things in our lives, frustrated with the lack of forward movement on creative projects, or sad about situations or people (or lack thereof) in our lives. It is not a “this kind of person thing” or “that kind of person thing”… it is a human thing. We ALL, (for lack of a better phrase) have our own crosses to bear, and, throwing out another cliché: we cannot presume what others’ lives are like, until we walk in their shoes. And, until that day, you, me – or whomever, is in no place to judge, condemn or assume.
I was giving myself a pep talk, and, at the same time, trying to give myself a bit of leniency. I acknowledged the crappy place I was mentally in, allowed it, forgave it (almost), and determined the deadline. “Tomorrow. You have until you open your eyes tomorrow. Or… maybe until you have your first cup of coffee.” (And then, I let out a huge, miserable sigh.)
So… here I sit. And, ironically…I’m writing this. When, deep in my heart and my head, I know I haven’t had any words to say or put to paper in months. I haven’t had any bursts of inspiration to splash across a canvas.
I think this is a common thing among people. Not just creative souls such as artists, writers and musicians, but also with mathematicians, engineers, scientists…. people. Again, it is a human thing, not a “career” thing, not a “race” thing, not a “personality-type” thing. I know the struggles I’m facing with writing again (in addition to other non-writing goals I have). It’s been tricky finding my balance among a world that is constantly shifting and falling around me.
I haven’t wanted, nor felt the need, to write in months. In fact, I stress-out at the very thought of it. What if I’m not good enough? What if I have no story? What if the characters aren’t there? What if people don’t like it? The daunting task of marketing and promoting a new book can be intimidating and overwhelming. Blah, blah, blah… it goes on and on. And then, there is that little thing called “inspiration.” That spark. The thing that allows us to create. I can’t seem to find it. Or, at the very least, I can’t seem to see it any more. Many authors will tell you they “hear voices;” that their characters talk to them. Mine do not. I have always seen pictures. I am an artist as well, so when I paint or draw, I visualize the images, whether they are in front of me, or forms in my head. The same goes for writing. I don’t just “hear” the characters… I literally SEE them… acting out each and every moment in front of me, as if they are real people. I’m simply writing down the movie that is playing in my head. The characters and their words are typically as clear to me as they would be if you turned on a television in your living room and watched it. But lately, there’s nothing to see, nothing to watch.
Finally, tonight (or, more accurately, this morning, as it’s now past 2:30), something struck me. A conversation frozen in my memory that I had with my oldest brother (whom I rarely mention, but whom I love dearly)… His words have come to me often, and once again, they sunk into me, striking a pit in the bottom of my stomach, like an anchor hitting the sandy bottom of lake, steadily holding the boat into place, solid and sure. He said, “Julie, people talk of the steps of a journey and how many there are. But what nobody talks about, and what the key to success is, (whatever "success" that may be) that some of those steps REALLY SUCK.” It’s true. I remember the conversation vividly and discussing how, indeed some steps sucked. We spoke about how many people (most people) get stuck, because the steps become too hard, too difficult. And their journey halts. Just because the step sucks, doesn’t mean we should give up or quit.
We ALL have sucky steps to encounter. We all walk in our own shoes. Nobody knows our path but us, and, we can carve out a new one – (sucky as it may be to begin with) - whenever we want. Unfortunately, too many get stuck in the muck and stop. Or, change directions before we give that path a fair shake.
I know what I love. I know where I want to go, and who I want to be, and I’ve seen the person that I can be. I choose to continue on, even though these steps kind of SUCK right now. So… until tomorrow, when I open my eyes (and after my first cup of coffee), I will allow myself to wallow. And then… I will continue on. As should you, on whatever journey you are on.
Just like that, the words came. I wrote them, in all of my miserable, mopey, wallowness. (Is that even a word?) Perhaps the sucky step has passed. Perhaps I made it through the muck, or perhaps not. Whatever the case may be, I am sure of two things:
1. There will be more sucky steps to come; and
2. I shall try to take them, when they come… even knowing that I will most likely stumble, and I may even lie down to give up. And, if I do give up, I know it will occur after great consideration and remorse… and I will find a new direction and begin again.
We all are weak. We all struggle. And, nobody… NOBODY, is perfect (regardless of what TV, magazines or the rest of the media may portray.) But, we are also stronger than we ever give ourselves credit for. Because, deep down in some unknown space within us, there is a well of strength and courage, just waiting to be tapped into. So, I raise my glass to toast you, and me, and I say, “Here’s to our humanity, to our imperfections, to our struggles, and to all of the sucky steps… for those are what make us better people, better humans. Never stop taking those steps to move forward." And, on a personal note, here’s to my Muse, who, somehow, guided me through several books and blogs with words, conversations, voices and images appearing in my mind… may he come back to me once more. Because, God knows I’m dreading opening my eyes tomorrow morning to face my own wrath.
Carry on. I know I will.