Unfortunately, as I mentioned earlier, most often we are surprised with bad news such as an accident or the death of a loved one. I had the sad duty of attending not one, not two, but three (yes, three) funerals in the past 13 days. (Now there’s an unlucky number.) Nobody likes going to a funeral. Even the people hosting the funeral don’t want to be there. Let’s face it – it’s not fun. It’s sad. People are in mourning. But going to one is a duty and a responsibility. And, more than that, it is to honor those who have gone before us…to say goodbye and cherish their memory or the memories that those closest to them have.
I almost always feel saddest for the immediate family members – a surviving spouse, child or grandchild. I mourn for them and for how they will feel in the days to come. The ones left living who are grieving have the most difficult journey ahead of them. They need to hear our condolences and to hear that we care that they are suffering. Our presence is not lost on them. I know this from past experience. You may feel that being at a particular funeral isn’t that important and nobody would miss you if you couldn’t attend. But, while they may not remember you didn’t go, they will remember you when you tell them you are sorry for their loss, or when you hold their hand. You can make a difference in a person’s life, even in the smallest gesture. You never know what will break through someone’s sorrow and give them a taste of peace, if only for a few moments.
When my grandpa passed away, I couldn’t remember all of the faces of the people who were there, or name the ones who weren’t. But I remember one gesture from a neighbor. I didn’t know her very well, although she lived next door. I barely exchanged two sentences with her each year, as she was older than my parents. Other than yelling at me to get off of her lawn or to quit playing baseball in front of her house, I never had much to say to her, nor her to me. But during my grandpa’s funeral, she sat next to me on a couch, she took my hand and looked directly into my eyes and said, “I know you loved him very much and I’m so very sorry for all of you kids. He loved you all...You meant the world to him.” It’s been over 15 years and I still remember that moment. I remember the compassion in her face and the sadness in her eyes. She helped me that day. In that moment, the thoughts of loss were lessened and the reminder of his love for us and ours for him validated his life. For that brief moment, I didn’t feel so alone. I felt loved.
Who knows what small gesture or what simple words will help ease someone’s pain. But if you never say them, they’ll never help anyone.
When I was younger and always in a hurry to get everywhere, I would get annoyed when I saw a funeral procession in the road. I’d think, “Gahhh! They are soooo slow! Now I have to sit here and wait for all those stupid cars to go through the intersection.” I was insensitive and dumb. Now, when I see a funeral procession, even though I don’t know who’s died, or who’s in all of those cars driving past, I say a prayer as I sit there watching them. Being raised Catholic, we were taught some simple prayers early on. Many of you may know the one I say – the “Hail Mary.” And then I ask Mary to ease their sadness and give them strength for the day. I guess I feel like if anyone would understand the sadness these strangers feel, it would be her. Who knows if my prayer does any good? Maybe it doesn’t. But I believe it does.
Having grown up a bit, I truly understand the significance of all those cars in the funeral procession that used to annoy me. Because whatever kind of day I’m having at that moment when they are passing by, they are having a worse one. They deserve my patience and my understanding. I guess I tend to have a sympathetic personality though. I can be seriously sappy. I cry if a good guy gets killed in a horror movie. Remember that Steven King movie, “Misery”? When the Sheriff got shot, I bawled like a baby. My friends still tease me to this day about it.
Just remember next time you see someone hurting, wherever they may be, whether it’s a frazzled mom at the grocery store, or a grieving friend at a funeral, say what you feel to that person. Even if you think it’s insignificant, it just might mean the world to them.