I was wrong.
After a spring and summer filled with a lot of personal stuff, and life kind of got in the way, my running was all but non-existent. I spent a lot of my emotional energy dealing with other things and had nothing left for running. What I realized though, was that I had lost a major coping tool.
By January (14 months after my half-marathon), and having gone through some major life changes, I had decided to refocus myself and dedicate more time to my workouts. It has been a horribly slow road back. I began with walking and spent some time on the elliptical. I always felt better after putting the time in, but I also felt disheartened… as I had seen how far I had fallen from my previous level of fitness. My cardio strength was, for lack of a better word, in the toilet.
When the snow finally decided to stay away, I thankfully moved my walk/jogs outdoors. To think, that just a short time ago, I could run 6 miles… and now, I could barely run a half-mile. That familiar burn in my chest and lead-feeling in my legs haunted me every time I “ran.” Running with a partner is always better for me. Conversation distracts me from my own negative thoughts when I feel like stopping. So many people say, “I hate running. Running is hard.” Uh. Duh. Of course it is. You are pushing your body into a pace that it isn’t used to. It’s uncomfortable. It’s tiring. It’s hard. Whether you run one mile, or five miles, it’s always hard. It’s simply relative to your current level of fitness. My brother (coach) said something to me once that I will never forget. He said, “Running levels the playing field. The elite Kenyan who just ran 26.2 miles at an incredible speed, has pushed just as hard, and feels just as crappy as the old guy in the back, who took six hours to complete the same race. At the end of the day, they both feel exactly the same. Their legs are shot, and they wanna throw up.” So yes, running is hard.
But…in addition to being hard and tiring, running does something else too… it's little known secret that every “runner” knows.
It allows your mind to escape from the world it lives in. When you run, the conversations you have within your own mind are incredible. You can solve the day’s problems; you can push yourself harder than you thought, and more simply: you talk to your body. You tell your lungs to breathe. You tell your legs to move. You tell your shoulders to relax. And, you realize your body can listen to you. It can hear what you want it to do. It doesn’t always comply… there is often a battle within… and sometimes, your body wins, but sometimes, the heart wins. Either way, at the end of the run, you come out stronger. You feel more relaxed. Aggressions, stress, or other problems seem just a bit smaller, when you realize you can control even the smallest things. Running gives a much-needed escape from the stress of our daily lives that we often need.
On any given run, I may glance at the world around me, as if seeing it for the first time. Blades of grass, butterflies floating over the sidewalk, cracks in the pavement… I step outside my chaotic life and see things simply.
On one particular crazy, hectic day, I had felt closed-in at work, at home, and generally stressed-out with life. Sometimes we just want things to stop. So, I went for a run. I had my headphones in, music cranked, sunglasses on, and I stared at a spot in the pavement about 10 feet in front of me. I needed my overwhelming world to be small. So, I made my world small. For those 45 minutes, it was simply the 10 feet in front of me… and I watched it move, with each stride I took. I quickly grew tired and I wanted to stop. (I often want to stop during a run.) This time, I focused on that small space in front of me, and with every exhaled breath, I said the word, “Go.” My mind wanted to stop. I willed myself not to. I sucked in air, exhaled (GO.) Deep breath in, exhale (GO.) My head said, "Stop." I stubbornly insisted Go. Go. Go. With every breath out, my mantra for that short run was simply, “Go.” I made my world small...for those few minutes of my hectic day, I was in control of everything.
Why do I run? Because it shows me I am stronger than I often give myself credit for. It shows me I can cope and survive, and push through the difficult, painful stuff. It shows me I can go, when people, things, and even myself threaten me to stop. It reminds me to breathe. It reminds me to relax. It shows me a landscape of wonderful things.
My last run was 1.97 miles; a far cry from 13.1 that I could previously tackle.
I “ran” it in 23:00 minutes. (An 11:40 per mile pace). I fought like a friggin’ banshee to hold onto a 11:30 pace. Sure, it sucks to see how far I fell, and how far I have to go...AGAIN. But I will crawl my way back. Running has taught me I can push myself in all aspects of my life, farther, and harder than I ever thought I could tolerate.
It strengthens not only the muscles, but forges an iron will; and that is immeasurable.